When Someone Loses a Child

Dear friends,

I hope you will forgive this digression from my normal blog content. This can be a sensitive subject, and if you don't want to read it, I completely understand. I'll return to my tales of a tv-free summer and other light-hearted topics again soon.

Almost 5 years ago, my husband and I lost an infant child. We were fortunate to have people come alongside us who had gone through a similar experience. As the wife (now one of my best friends) and I talked, one of the things we joked about doing was writing a book of things not to say to a grieving parent. We haven't done that (yet), but I wanted to give you some general thoughts for handling this circumstance.

1. Don't feel compelled to share another story of loss with the parent(s). Whether a child endures a long-term illness or a sudden and unexpected loss, chances are the parents are in shock. It's not normal to outlive your children, plain and simple. The last thing a grieving parent needs to hear is *another* story.

2. It's OK to say a heartfelt "I'm sorry" and leave it at that. You don't have to have anything else to say.

3. If you offer to help in some way, make it specific. Offer to take one or more siblings for a play-date. Offer to take them to lunch. Ask if they need help taking the siblings back and forth to school or extracurricular activities. A generic "give me a call if you need a hand" will seldom be answered.

4. If you were not close to the family and do not know specific details, resist the urge to repeat what you hear. Remember that, unlike the characters you see on TV, these are real people with real feelings. Grieving only becomes more difficult when you hear half-truths (or outright incorrect information) surrounding your circumstances.

5. Avoid labeling the parent as "the person whose child just died." While it may be an easy identifier, it isn't a pleasant one. Trust me. Been there. Just don't do it.

6. Remember that grieving takes time. The year after a loss brings many "firsts" that the family walks through without their child (think holidays, birthdays, special occasions, you get the idea). A few weeks after losing a child, your life may be back to normal. The grieving family is still working on what the new "normal" will look like for them. If you really want to show your support and that you genuinely care, send them a note every month or two letting them know that you are thinking of/praying for them.

7. Let the grieving parent(s) dictate the depth of the conversation. They know what they are willing to or capable of talking about at a given moment. Some days are easier than others.

8. Be sensitive if you have a child that is the same gender and about the same age. You can unintentionally trigger some painful reminders of their loss. Let the grieving parent ask about your child instead of gushing about your child's latest accomplishment. It's great to be proud of your kids. Just think before you speak.

9. If you didn't know the family well before the loss, but think you can be of assistance in some specific way, work through a common third party, like a mutual friend or through your church. Understand that your offer to help may be answered with a "no." Don't take it personally, and let the family approach you. Respect the boundaries they establish.

All in all, the best advice I can offer you is to remember that losing a child shakes you to the core. Some things will never be as they were before.

Yes, We Had the TV on This Morning...

And I'm not apologizing for it, either.

It was the final space shuttle launch, and I wanted my girls to watch a bit of history in the making. I'll admit, I was more sentimental about it than I thought I would be. I wonder if my older daughter (my younger is too little) will remember where she was when she watched this launch -- the way I vividly remember where I was when I watched the first launch 30 years ago. I watched that launch on a TV in the basement of a house in Independence, Missouri. I still recall the address. The tile floor. A 25-inch console TV. History in the making. I wanted to go into space, too.

I believe the space shuttle is one of those things that will define my generation. The space shuttle saw the first female astronaut on a mission. We grieved as a nation when Challenger (taking the first teacher into space) exploded 73 seconds into its mission. We rejoiced when the program resumed again 2 years and 8 months later. I remember what I was doing when the news started to report that Columbia was not responding during re-entry, and the subsequent angst of a nation as yet another crew of 7 lost their lives pursuing the ultimate frontier. We are a resilient nation, and the shuttle continued to fly. Until today. If all goes according to plan, less than two weeks from now, we will watch Atlantis land for the final time.

And so, today, we turned the TV on to watch a bit of history. I hope to take my children to one of the museums that will serve as a new home to the remaining orbiters. I never got to watch a launch in person (will have to amend my bucket list), but I hope to share a bit of my childhood with them.

Is Summer Flying by for You?

It is for me. I can't believe we're in the last week of June. Soon we will have to start thinking about school supplies, school clothes, preschool for our youngest. Time seems to be moving exponentially. It seems like yesterday we were getting ready for Kindergarten. We're way past that now.

Unlike past summers, when I tried to squeeze in too much work and treated play time like it was a chore, I'm making a conscious decision to do fun things with my kids. Even if it's just a trip to the park or an hour at the pool. We're spending more dedicated time with friends. Finding opportunities to explore a city I've called home for almost 3/4 of my life. Discovering that carry-out pizza and watermelon can be just as fun as an elaborately-planned dinner. Letting blessings we would normally take for granted linger in our hearts and minds.

I don't think that unplugging from the TV resulted in all of this, but I do feel it was at least a catalyst. There is something encouraging about my youngest wanting to read a book with me. She snuggles in close. We giggle when I change the words to one of her favorites that she's memorized. She likes to stop me and spell some of the words, now.

My oldest is hounding me to go to the library because she doesn't have a book to read. Trust me - that wasn't happening last year. She would want to go to the library, but was speeding through her mandatory reading time to get back to the next TV show. She's developed a liking for mysteries (like her aunt), and she was thrilled to accompany a neighbor to the dog park the other day. When I was her age, we lived in an area that didn't have decent TV reception, and it was before cable and satellite were widespread options. She is experiencing (sort of) a summer like I used to have. A bit less complicated than the world makes it now. And she's gotten to enjoy a week of art camp. Tonight we will go to the finale so that she can proudly show us her accomplishments. I can't wait.

If you haven't done it yet, I encourage you to plan a couple of activities with the intention of creating memories. It doesn't have to be an elaborate vacation or the "perfect" picnic. Just grab your kids and head for the closest park. Or find a local festival this weekend. Or fire up the grill to make... s'mores. Just. Do. Something.

Time goes by too quickly.

I Gave In...

OK, it's not as bad as you think.

I let my girls watch a movie.

We were at a friend's house yesterday for Father's Day. Most of the day was spent with family: church, hanging out at the pool, and a very casual, kid-friendly dinner at my friend's house. The kids were worn out from hours of playing, but the grown-ups weren't quite ready to call it a night.

So we turned on a movie. And I don't feel guilty at all.

It's been close to a month since the TV has taken center stage in our home (and our life in some ways). Like many things, moderation is the key, right? The movie was entertaining for the kids and the grown-ups (I confess, we watched a good part of it with the kids). The funny thing was, my 3-year-old had little interest in the movie and instead chose to keep playing with toys in another part of the room for quite a bit of it (when she wasn't curled up in my lap).

Am I planning to relax my rules about the TV at home? Not likely. The atmosphere in our home is different, and I like it that way. Will we watch an occasional show or movie as a family? Yes, at some point. I hesitate to plan on anything too "regular" at this point. I don't want my family to start structuring plans around whether or not it's "movie night" or something like that. I'm enjoying investing my time into people - real people with real stories and real friendship to offer. Both kids are old enough that we can go to the pool as a family. And we will probably hit the theater some time in the next couple of weeks to see our first movie as a whole family. That's what I want my kids to remember. Time as a family.

I wanted to create some memories for my children this summer. And I think my husband and I are well on our way to doing that.

What's Growing in Your Garden?

Yes, you read the title correctly, and it isn't a metaphor. I'm taking a break from our "unplugged" updates because I found some fun stuff growing in my garden this morning. I have several gardens around my house, most of which are flower gardens. I also have a strawberry patch, vegetable garden, and raised-bed perennial herb garden. It took me over an hour to thin the mint in the herb garden a couple of weeks ago. The effort was worth it since I had room to plant oregano and rosemary.

The interesting thing that I found this morning was in one of my front flower beds. I planted celosia in one of the beds a few years ago. Since I was pregnant and couldn't work the ground that much, the plants went to seed at the end of the year. The flowers that came back the following year were dense and beautiful, so I just continued the practice. It takes a little longer than buying starter plants at the store, but they are free and look great. Worth an extra couple of weeks. But that isn't what I found.

I found basil! At first I was surprised, but then remembered transplanting a tired-looking plant last summer. It grew to a 2-foot diameter bush. Lots of pesto and fresh basil in many dishes, plus a bunch of happy friends. I guess it went to seed, too, because there are about 10 basil seedlings randomly placed in the garden. I'm going to let them grow. Basil is one of those herbs that smells of summer and is always welcome. I'll harvest as much as I can and put it to good use.

Did you find anything interesting today?

Barb

Will Another "Unscheduled" Week be our Undoing?

Hello friends -

Last week was so busy for us all that I think we will all benefit from a less-structured week ahead. With plans every day last week, a day of catch-up errands on Saturday, and church on Sunday morning (and a picnic Sunday evening with some amazing friends!), the last 7 or 8 days have been incredibly packed! As I'm sitting here writing this post, I'm wishing I had a double that could be folding laundry or doing the dishes. No such luck, so my evening plans are set! Tee-hee.

Or maybe we will just take a walk down to the park. I wanted to do that this morning, but rain got in the way. Some cooler air has moved through, and it seems like the perfect evening to run off some extra energy. We spent most of the morning purging one child's bedroom. I think a reward for hard work well done is in order.

At last night's picnic, one of my friends and I started talking about the "courage to unplug." His remark was that he noticed how much his kids are spending time in front of the TV. Ironically, we were at a park where he'd spent many summers running around and playing. I love that my kids are getting a little more of "experiencing" life instead of watching someone else experience it. And my kids no longer tell time by which show will be on next. While I have no doubt that it would all come back to them in about 3.2 seconds if given the chance, it's my job to not give chances.

I've noticed that their imaginative play is more imagination and less imitation of the last show they watched. They are starting to come up with constructive ways to fill their time without me rattling off 7 suggestions to their grimaced faces. Is it more work than I expected? Yeah, it is. I've had to shift some priorities. But it's also given me a chance to "tune in" (please forgive the pun) a little more to them and their questions about life. Requests at the grocery store are now for new hula hoops, bubbles, and outside toys instead of the latest movie rental.

Is it always perfect over here? Far from it. When we're all tired, the TV is still a big black temptation in the middle of the living room. Sometimes it is difficult to resist. It was refreshing the other day, though, to hear my daughter tell me that they had only seen about "5 minutes" of TV at an afternoon play date. I'll take my victories when they come!

Taking the "virtual" out of "reality,"
Barb

Another Week in the Books

Hello friends~

This morning brings a welcome break in the weather. Today, we might experience temperatures slightly cooler than average today... a welcome break from near triple-digit heat. If only I had been able to sleep through the rain last night. It doesn't help that the girls decided to wake up a little earlier than normal, too. Their fatigue is showing in the way they talk to each other. I'm predicting we will run our errands early, while there is still (some) hope for self-control. Maybe we will all catch a nap this afternoon.

There is still an occasional request for TV, but no meltdowns when I stick to my steadfast "no." I need to replenish some of the craft supplies that have been creatively used. A week of VBS bought me a little time, and now I have some really great coupons I can use. Keeping up with their creativity has proven to be quite interesting. I think we might get some t-shirts to paint this week, along with a couple of crafts for Father's Day gifts. Our upcoming week doesn't have a daily commitment, so we might be able to catch up on some of the housework and a little rest. Maybe I will post pictures of the completed Father's Day crafts.

Have a blessed (and unplugged!) weekend!
Barb

Our Summer is Getting Busy!

I don't even know how we have time for TV right now. Vacation Bible school, day camps, trips with friends to the zoo and local kid-friendly attractions, and a couple of weekends out of town -- and our schedule is filling quickly! Add to that stacks of books from the library (and discount table at the bookstore), and boredom isn't something I hear about over here.

I really didn't think it would be this easy to keep the kids busy without television. Shame on me.

In fact, the kids seldom even ask to turn the TV on anymore. They are finding amusement in books, playing with toys, finding craft items that I stored away for rainy days (or excessively hot days like we've been experiencing), and finding new uses for old toys. I should have taken a picture the other day when they were making some of those shrinking things that you color and bake. Their little noses were all but pressed against the window of the oven, watching their artistic creations warm up, curl, then flatten out to something about 1/4 its original size. Yesterday they asked to play under the sprinkler in the back yard. I had to be at a meeting and told the sitter it would be fine if they did that. I'm not sure how long they were out there, but there was still mud and standing water in a couple of places in my back yard this morning when I went outside to water the garden. They obviously had fun.

For the first summer I can remember, I'm not worried about my daughter retaining what she learned during the school year. She is reading (avidly!), and we enrolled her in a summer math program. In the past, I would print off some math worksheets that I found on the internet with the expectation that she would have to complete "X" worksheets each day, along with reading for a specific period of time. It was little more than a constant struggle, leaving us both frustrated. Now, she loves her math program. Because she isn't reading just so that she can catch the next TV show, her retention of what she's just read has improved significantly.

Needless to say, the TV may play a much less significant role in our family well beyond the summer months. Do I miss some of my favorite shows? Yes, I do. I also feel a little guilty when I think about the emotional energy I invested in fictional characters. It's my personal feeling that maybe I should be investing that time in my family and the *real* people in my life.

I am One Tired Mom...

It has been a busy week! The kiddos are in VBS in the morning, and I decided to volunteer this year. I'll be honest -- I was looking forward to a little down time while both kids got to participate this year. Then the Childrens' Ministry pastor asked if I would help out. I said "yes" because it was the right thing to do. I've had some experiences the last few years that have taught me that sometimes I need to lay my own plans aside -- that there is something I get to learn/experience/discover by changing my course. I'm glad that I said yes. I've met some wonderful people the past couple of days and have truly enjoyed seeing close to 300 little ones have fun. I never saw myself as having a personality that could be patient enough to help with something like this. I'm grateful someone (unknowingly) asked me to get out of my comfort zone. 

I'm pretty tired, though. A good tired, but tired nonetheless. I'm looking forward to tomorrow afternoon because there is nothing on the schedule. Nothing that is structured, but plenty to do! Laundry baskets are overflowing, and a sprinkler mishap means that I have a couple of extra loads calling my name.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with an "unplugged" summer. Me too. I know that I'm thoroughly enjoying the time that I get to be with my kids. I've been reminded this week how precious it is that I get to work from home and spend more time with my kids because of that. My flexible schedule lets me volunteer (even my oldest thinks it's cool that I'm helping out -- and that she knows the snacks in advance). All too soon, both of my girls will be old enough to help with VBS rather than attend. Time seems to be moving exponentially faster. Before I know it, my girls will have families of their own.

As I've been writing, I'm also overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude. Grateful that I have two healthy children who can participate in VBS and who seem to have endless energy. Grateful for their inquisitive minds that ask questions that stretch my brain. Grateful for their desire and ability to read, run, play. I know of too many families whose children are in life-threatening battles right now. Mommies who would give anything to deal with my issues instead of wondering if their children will see another birthday. Or change of season.

Perhaps the lesson (or reminder) for today is to never take for granted the time that I have with my children. That time is short and ever so precious...

Barb

The Lazy, Hazy Days of Summer...

Our journey into the world of the "unplugged" continues. It was a relatively calm weekend, filled with family time. About 4:00 on Saturday evening, my husband started to give me that "what-are-we-doing-the-rest-of-the-day" look. The morning had been filled with errands, and the afternoon was used for naps and a little rest after a 5-mile walk. But now what to do?

As I watched him reaching toward the remote, I saw a post on Facebook about the city's Italian Festival. Plan established. We piled the kiddos into the car and made the 20-minute trek to the festival location. I think it almost took longer to find a parking space, but we found a great space that was close to the activity. Since I didn't want to mess with the stroller in a crowd, this was a plus.

We spent the evening eating lots of good food. My husband and I split a roasted chicken lasagna with Alfredo sauce that was fantastic. The kids settled for more traditional fare. The only thing missing was a good Chicago Italian beef sandwich. Dessert was gelato, fresh lemonade, and a funnel cake.

Then I got to learn something about my older daughter. She loves the music of the Rat Pack.

Deana Martin (Dean Martin's daughter) was the headlining talent that night. She was singing a bunch of her dad's famous songs while she shared stories about Dean Martin's variety show. I didn't even tell my husband this, but it made me very nostalgic. You see, in February my Italian grandfather (and last remaining grandparent) went to heaven. Although his mind was completely alert, his body had been ravaged by a stroke 12 1/2 years before, making it nearly impossible for him to do anything -- including speak. At his funeral, one of my family members told the story of taking him to a doctor's appointment at the VA. The radio was tuned to the music of the 1940s. Grandpa could sing every word perfectly, as if he'd never had the stroke. I can't help but think that maybe he's looking down from heaven and smiling because his oldest great-grandchild has an affinity for the same music he loved. My daughter begged us for a copy of the CD. How could I say no?

Had we stuck with our old habits, I might have missed out on that moment. Honestly, it's very unlikely we would have ventured out on an unseasonably warm evening when we could have lazily plugged in a movie and called it good. Instead, I'm getting to learn about two of the most precious kids in the world.

As frustrating as it might be at times, the effort is worth the reward.

Barb

Back to TheMomsResource

Coming to the End of an Unscheduled Week...

And I'm realizing that "unscheduled" isn't in the best interests of my sanity.

Our "unplugged" summer is a mini social experiment, and there were bound to be discoveries along the way. I deliberately didn't plan anything this week and didn't schedule a sitter. Not one of my brighter decisions, but the week got to me faster than I realized. Consequently, I have two (very) bored kids who are taking it out on each other (a little) and engaging in selective hearing with me. Somehow, they can plainly hear the word "cookies," but "please clean your room" seems to be translated into an unknown tongue.

At my 9-year-old's suggestion, Fridays will probably be designated as "Pizza Fridays." I like it because it gives me a little break. In future weeks, I'll probably use this as a reward, but this week I'm too spent with trying to keep my kids amused to even think about anything remotely healthy for dinner. I, for one, would easily settle for a chocolate sundae, and probably some other foods that would put me into a coma in about 20 minutes. Not in anyone's best interests, I assure you. So today it will be carry-out pizza from the health food store (they have a $5 discount on Friday evenings, so I'm happy about that, too). I'll add a tossed salad and may sneak in some chocolate after they go to bed.

Next week we have 1/2 day camp every day. I think that will help everyone tremendously. After that is another "unscheduled" week -- so far. I think I'll call a couple of other mommies and schedule a trip to the zoo or another local kid-friendly attraction on a couple of days. It will break up the monotony of the days and give us a chance to create summer memories. We will sprinkle in a couple of trips to the library, add in some regular pool time, and everyone should be on a more even keel.

Now, it's time for our walk and a trip to the park. After that, we will probably plant the impatiens that we bought the other day. That should give us enough time for a short rest before we get our pizza.

Have a fantastic (and unplugged!) weekend!
Barb

Back to TheMomsResource

Who's Getting the Consequences?

It's nice to know that life is a roller coaster ride at times, right? Well, at least that's how I'm looking at it. Yesterday was peaceful and had a great rhythm to it. Today - a few "off" notes. God makes His mercies new every morning, and I'm looking forward to a new morning.

I was counting it a victory in my mind that the kids didn't ask to turn the TV on when it was raining. Score one point for consistency. I woke up kind of grumpy and told my toddler that we needed to pray for mommy to be less grumpy. She obliged in the sweetest of voices with an innocent little prayer that can only come from a child who hasn't been tarnished by the world's woes yet. Made me feel better to hear her little voice asking "Jesus to bless my mommy." Ahhhh, such a sweet little child.

Until she sneaks away to the bathroom armed with a purple marker.

The toilet seat has a very creative scribble on it now. Or at least it did. Most of it is gone, but I'm thinking that my magic eraser might not have enough tricks in its hat to finish the job. I'll try again when the feeling comes back to my arm. Yep. Lots of scrubbing. It would take less time to go to the store, buy and install a new seat. But I'm fairly frugal and amazingly stubborn.

After a trip to time out (she did tell me that markers were for paper only, and that the potty wasn't paper), she looked up at me with her huge brown eyes and asked to go to the park. I told her we couldn't go because she made a sad choice with the marker. But that means that instead of fresh air and sunshine for my daily walk, I'll settle for half an hour on the exercise bike in the basement. Not quite the same. Maybe I'll make it up to myself with a little more time in the garden over the next couple of days.

The end result was that my toddler who is trying to outgrow her nap thought that a little snooze might be a good idea today. I agreed. At least I have some time to write while she sleeps (and my older daughter cleans her room - still!).

I'd rather be on the swings, listening to innocent laughter and the inevitable "Catch me, Mommy!" that initiates a game of Tag.

Maybe tomorrow we can try again.

Return to TheMomsResource

Each Day is a New Beginning

And I am so grateful for that!

After a home-cooked dinner (chicken, broccoli, and vinaigrette potato salad), baths, and a good night's sleep, we started over today. I'm so glad that everyone woke up with much better attitudes. We've taken a walk to the park, played in the back yard, watered the flower and vegetable gardens (tomatoes are flowering!), and worked on cleaning bedrooms (a never-ending chore for some reason).

While we were on our walk this morning, I got to see my oldest daughter's sense of humor. When she is rested and relaxed, it comes naturally to her. She has a great smile and an innocent playfulness. Yes, that is why we're unplugging. Because down inside of an over-stimulated and frazzled brain is an amazing person.

I might not be very popular for suggesting this, but what do you think we would all be like if we "unplugged" for a little while? Even just 1 or 2 days a week? What would we be? Calmer? More in tune with the people around us instead of the vicarious relationships with made-up characters? Maybe even more willing to let someone pull into the lane ahead of you without using your horn (or worse)?

All I know is that I'm starting to see the person that I always knew was my daughter. Her compassion. Her joy. Her creativity. Her courage to ask questions to confirm her significance. Her dreams. She can frame them in her 9-year-old mind and give them life. Because she isn't wrapped up in what is happening on the TV, she can have meaningful conversations. She's telling me about the details in the books (yes, plural) she's read over the past week.

And somehow, I know through all of the challenges, that her father and I are doing the right thing for our family.

Now, if you will excuse me, there is a game of Uno to be played....

A Bump in the Road?

When I decided to blog about my family's "unplugging" experience, I knew I'd have to be honest with all of you about the good days and the not-so-good ones. Unfortunately, today falls into the latter category. My oldest had a sleepover with a friend over the weekend. I'm not a fool, and I intentionally didn't say anything to her about TV. My husband and I decided to turn the TV off in our home, but I think it would be unrealistic to expect another family to unplug if my daughter is a guest in their home. I didn't want to be legalistic about TV-watching, and it's an opportunity for her to understand what moderation and self-control are.

I don't know exactly how much screen time she got, but I'm guessing it was in excess of 3 hours. She mentioned a movie and a couple of shows, and I'd guess that there is more to the story there. Combine that with about half the sleep she normally gets and a different diet, and there, my friends, is a recipe for a meltdown. Add to that an over-zealous toddler who got herself out of bed at 4:00 in the morning because she thought she had to go to the bathroom, and you have a pretty good snapshot of my day so far.

Even I want to turn on a mindless program to keep. them. quiet.

Emotions are overflowing here today. It seems to be getting a little better, but it hasn't been easy. I'm not used to getting a tearful response to a request to brush teeth and hair. Really? Maybe I'll be fortunate enough that they will nap.

One thing I have learned, though, is just how easy it is for my kids to be over-stimulated. Something tells me that I'm not alone here. This journey is going to have its uphill climbs. I knew that going into it, and each day gives me a new opportunity to teach my kids the best I can.

Here is hoping for a better (and smoother) day tomorrow.

Our Unplugged Week

Hello friends,

I don't know how many of you are following our journey (you can let me know by leaving a comment or "following" the blog), but we've made it through our first unplugged week. While I wish I could paint a a beautiful word picture for you of compliant children that are relieved the TV isn't on, I can't. Both of them are still periodically asking to watch a show. My oldest has even volunteered to ride our exercise bike in hopes that she could have the TV on while she was pedaling. Nope. Not gonna happen.

It has not been as easy to stick to my decision as I thought. I've had moments of weakness. When my youngest came to me in tears because my oldest and her play date didn't want to play with her, my first thought was to let her watch a show as a "treat" -- a way to ease the sting of rejection. I battled in my head for a few minutes, then decided that some special reading time would be better for both of us.

I am seeing some benefits, though. My girls are playing with toys that haven't seen the light of day in ages. They are coloring and being creative. They are playing outside more often. Some of the edge is starting to leave my 9-year-old's voice. Even though I curbed what she watched on TV, I realized that even some of what I thought was "ok" was teaching her values that I don't want her to embrace. Quite honestly, many of the shows I've seen that are directed toward tweens and teens teach kids that they are smarter than their parents. They also (in a subtle way) teach kids that a little bit of deception is ok, and that communication is meant to be conducted with catchy one-liners that hurt more than you intend. Even if the kids are caught by their parents, the scenario is always wrapped up in a neat little bow in less than 25 minutes. That isn't how life works, and that isn't what I want my kids to learn. I want to have respectful children that understand people are precious -- all people, not just the pretty ones or the ones with the most stuff.

Are we missing out on some good educational programs over the summer? Probably. But my kids are getting to experience some pretty amazing stuff. Since they know the TV isn't waiting for them at home, they seem to be "getting into" the experiences a little more instead of trying to "get through" them to get home and zone out. My oldest is reading books and remembering what she reads instead of trying to zip through "X" pages so that she can watch a TV program. All in all, I think my family is going to come out on the good side of an unplugged summer.

Another Rainy Day

And we continue to remain unplugged. My secret weapon today was Darling Sitter #1 (DS1 for short). DS1 has been around our home for over a year, and the girls LOVE her. When she isn't away at school, I love having her over. She is great with the girls; they will do just about anything to have DS1 over. It happens that DS1 was planning to take my girls to a really cool park today. That didn't happen thanks to a cool and rainy day. Instead, I pulled out an old "tent" that had been a favorite of my older daughter. It looks like a castle. Sounds like the afternoon was more than filled with creative fun without electronic assistance.

Not only that, but my older girl is finding out that books can be fun. I may be repeating myself, but it's quite the change around here. I'm usually nagging her to read. Now I'm telling her to put the book down and finish something else. I only hope that this behavior sticks around. Instead of her telling me that she can't remember what she just read, she's sharing details spontaneously. If nothing else, my (slightly) frustrated child (when it comes to school work) is discovering that she can read something and remember it. We've know it all along. The only person that needed convincing was her.

We're looking forward to a weekend of playing, gardening, and hanging out as a family. The weather should cooperate with us this weekend!

Closing in on Week #1

Wow, old habits die hard. I think we're making some progress, though. When little one got out of the tub tonight, it was the first time she didn't automatically ask for a show. My oldest alternates between accepting that the TV is off and pushing me to see if I'll give in just to keep her quiet for a few minutes. There was a discussion about renting a movie tonight, to which I said "no." Not yet. I want to see how long we can go before we watch a movie. I want to see how long it takes to decompress.

I'm starting to embrace the silence. I never realized how much "noise" was always in the background, even if the volume wasn't that high. I like that my oldest is not racing through reading a book so that she can get back to the TV. She's actually paying attention to the plot and can tell me what's going on in the book. You have no idea how thrilled I am with that alone.

There has been a LOT of coloring going on over the past few days. It was the first thing that the kids discovered they could do without TV. Coming out of that, though, is a sweetness I didn't expect. My girls are learning to sit next to each other and share. With a 6-year age difference, it's hard to find common ground. Coloring books seem to bridge that gap, at least a little. There is a sense of peace as they sit next to each other - sharing crayons and choosing pictures that will become refrigerator masterpieces. The older one does not have to be "in charge;" the younger does not have to play a subordinate role. The conversation between them is precious.

We're about to embark on our first unplugged weekend... a long one at that. If you like, join us on this journey. You may come out of it with rewards you never expected...

We Might be Getting the Hang of This...

Although the TV was on for awhile (tornado warnings!), we've gone 3 days without the kids watching any kind of entertainment on the box. They didn't even watch the news with the tornado warnings in our area - no need to frighten them, but I wanted to know what was going on.

Both kids have been pretty resourceful. Yesterday we couldn't really go outside because of the weather. I was a little surprised to see the kids pulling out puzzles and dominoes, toys that hadn't seen the light of day for a very long time. I found a couple of books I'd purchased for my 9-year-old. She immediately sat down and started to read one of them - quite a change from the battle it normally is to get her to read. Even my 3-year-old who likes books is starting to look for new books to "read." Little by little, I'm starting to see them unwind a bit. I haven't heard a chorus of "I'm bored!" Instead, they have been creatively finding ways to pass the time. Since it's the first week of summer, I didn't want to put them into a rigid schedule. I've been blessed to see how creative they can be.

I think they are starting to figure out that Dad and I were serious about unplugging for the summer. Although they are still asking to watch TV when it rains, and when the TV will go back on, they seem to be arguing a little less in hopes that I will give in or change my mind. So far, I'm encouraged that even though this may not be the easy decision, it is the right decision for our family right now.

So little of my childhood revolved around the television. My sister and I would read on average 20 books a week in the summer. I remember reading biographies of famous historical figures. Encyclopedia Brown and the characters created by Judy Blume were constant companions. I have tried over the years to inspire of love of reading in my kids -- and maybe we will finally achieve that by cutting the (power) cord.

Two Days Down, Summer To Go...

Hello again!

We made it through our second day without entertaining TV. I'm putting the "entertaining" qualifier on it today because the weather here had the potential to get really ugly at one point, so I turned on The Weather Channel. I still didn't let the kids watch -- the scenes of Joplin, Missouri are heartbreaking. They are hard enough for me to comprehend (I don't), and I didn't want those images wandering around in their heads. I try to shelter my kids for as long as possible. They will find out soon enough that the world can be a rough place.

With two girls in the house, it's no surprise that there can still be plenty of drama in the house, even without a television. We went about our (new) routine of taking a walk to the park to play after breakfast. Since I knew we could be in a rainy situation later in the day, I wanted them to get some play time in. It went well, but my 9-year-old informed me that the walk is just "too long." It's about 2.25 miles, and the park is about half way along my walking route. The way I see it, if she's worn out after a walk, then this will help build her stamina. There are issues of heart disease and diabetes on both sides of the family; developing healthy habits now may help her to avoid some of those issues in the future.

You may be wondering if we are "completely" unplugged. No, we aren't. I use my computer to work from home, and I will let my older child hop on for 30 minutes or so to play some educational games. One site she visits is www.freerice.com. A friend told me about this site a couple of years ago. Here is how it works: for every question you answer correctly, the United Nations World Food Programme donates 10 grains of rice to help combat world hunger. Over time, it adds up. Choose questions from math, art, Chemistry, Geography, English, and a variety of foreign languages. You can even create an account to track your giving. It's a way to keep some of the kid's school skills up over the summer while donating to a worthy cause. Over the next few days, I'll let you know about the other sites she uses to help her retain what she's learned.

There is more rain in the forecast for today. So far, we've made a trip to get new coloring books. I'll see if that can help hold their interest, or if I give in and let them watch a show or a movie. My goal is to go at least 2 weeks before I bring up the idea of watching a movie -- I'd like to see how long it takes before they stop asking to watch TV. Any guesses?

Barb

Did we survive Day 1?

As a matter of fact, we did. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I was surprised that it was my 3-year-old who had a harder time with it than my 9-year-old. When the TV is on, my toddler seldom "watches" what is on. It is usually background noise to another activity. It caught me off guard (1) how often she asked to turn it on; and (2) how upset she was with my persistent "no." And her first request this morning was to watch a show. I'm wondering how long it will take her to change that part of her routine.

I'm also contemplating if I will relax the rule when the weather doesn't cooperate. The weather here is predicting a couple of stormy days. We did get a trip to the park in this morning. Not sure that will be available tomorrow. Looks like I may be researching indoor places to burn energy. Any suggestions?

Journey to a TV-Free Summer

It's been awhile, I know.

I'm coming back to blog and let you know what we are doing with our summer. Over the past few weeks, I've seen how much of an influence television is in our family. When my 9-year-old started telling me that she didn't want to go outside and play because "Show X" was on, I started talking to my husband about making some changes.

When I was growing up (I hope that doesn't make me sound too old), TV wasn't really an option. First of all, we only had 3 or 4 channels. And that was when I lived in a town large enough. I lived in rural Wyoming for a period of time, and the only time we got decent TV reception (with an antenna, nonetheless), was if the signal bounced off of the mountain the right way. Most of my childhood revolved around riding my bike, playing with other kids, and reading. It might be a bit of a social experiment, but I want to see how creative my kids can become by removing the passive entertainment.

I let the kids know about a week ahead of time that the TV would be turned off today. I wanted them to have a little time to process the idea. Still, at 10:13 a.m., the first question came from my 3-year-old:

Her: Can I watch TV?
Me: No, remember that we are letting the TV rest?
Her: Just a few minutes?
Me: No.
Her: Just one show?
Me: No, honey.

Cue the tears.

In case you're wondering, strong wills run in the family. And there will probably be a couple of battles over the next few days as everyone adjusts. I'll be honest. I'm questioning some of this myself. Since I work from home, allowing the kids to watch a couple of shows or a movie can give me some "work time" during the day. I guess we will get to see what "quiet time" looks like without a television.

I've made some plans for us over the summer, but have tried to stay a way from an overly-rigid schedule. I think we will probably have a daily trip to the park when the weather cooperates, and we will take advantage of the library that is also well within walking distance. I'll make plans with other moms to make field trips to the zoo and other local attractions. I'm going to enjoy watching my kids grow this summer. I want to encourage their creativity. I see my 9-year-old turning into a tween before my eyes, and my 3-year-old will start preschool in a few months. I know that things will change when this summer ends, and maybe that's why I want us to have every opportunity to enjoy our kids at this stage of life. It seems like it was yesterday that my 9-year-old was 3. It feels like time is Moving. Too. Quickly. Maybe this will slow it down a bit.

At any rate, I'll keep you posted on the ups and downs of an unplugged summer. Let me know if you want to join us on the journey!

Barb